We are on to Atlanta baby. Not that I didn’t expect the Patriots to win; I risked quadruple the amount of the money in my entire bank account on the game. I just still am in shock. The 7th Superbowl appearance for Tom and Bill and I am 21 years old that means I am more likely to watch my Patriots compete for the Lombardi Trophy than it is for me to get laid. It is unfathomable. Not going to harp too much on the two games from Championship Sunday simply because the Steelers didn’t show up and Aaron Rodgers is an overrated piece of chicken shit who doesn’t talk to any of his family members.
10 things I believe I believe:
- My kidney and sexual identity live to see another two weeks, which is pretty good news if you ask me. As I have previously mentioned, I would NEVER donate a kidney for moral and ethical reasons. But I will put my kidney on the line over my New England Patriots. I am willing to turn in to Jess Titlebaum on my New England Patriots because these days it seems like it’s a coin flip as to whether or not they win, only if the coin was weighted.
- James Develin is responsible for the Patriots resurgence after we blew it to Peyton “Noodle Arm” Manning in the AFC Championship. Develin plays fundamentally sound football and blocks like a battering ram. For true football fans like myself, there is arguably nothing more entertaining than watching a Fullback go to work.
- I am not worried about the level of play Matt Ryan is playing at right now because just two days ago people were saying Aaron Rodgers was G-d and that nothing would stop him. Well guess what? Rodgers is an atheist, so G-d wasn’t backing him; maybe that’s why he blew it on the second biggest stage?
- Mike Tomlin is an inept football coach. Steelers’ fans deserve better. Brady has never lost to Tomlin, has thrown 22 touchdowns against Tomlin and 0 interceptions and Tomlin continues to rush 3 pass rushers and play a soft zone coverage. Receivers were literally wide open all game. Big Ben deserves better.
- Julian Edelman is the toughest, most clutch Wide Receiver in the league. His nickname should be 3rd & 7 because when that is the down and distance, no one moves the chains quite like JE 11. We are talking about a college QB turned wide receiver that has consistently played WR at a Pro Bowl caliber level.
- We are on to Atlanta
- I AM GOING TO HOUSTIN to watch TOM FUCKING BRADY and BILL BELICHICK win ring number 5. One for the thumb. I will spend the entire week leading up to the game in Houston. Who needs to attend class when you can go to Superbowl week? I am going to make it inside for Media Day using a press pass TBD.
- If the Patriots lose Superbowl 51 I will donate my kidney and get a sex change.
- With that being said the game will be a classic. Current line is Pats -3 I say that line won’t move by more than 1 point in the next 13 days.
- For any readers familiar with the religion of Islam and its first of five pillars also known as Shahada, “There is no G-d but Belichick and Brady is His messenger.”
RIP Yordano Ventura, an unbelievable talent who tragically lost his life yesterday in a car accident. Thoughts and prayers go out to all of Ventura’s loved ones. Another incredible baseball talent taken from us far too early.
Non-Football note of the blog: It has recently been brought to my attention that I have never once seen an Asian with a big nose. It is bananas. Literally every single Asian has a small nose. I am going to look at the Medical Records in the coming days but I am willing to guarantee no more than 7 Asians have gotten a nose job. Like Jews (except for me), Asians supposedly have small to mediocre sized penises. However, unlike Jews (aside from myself), Asians don’t have big noses.